Nota Bene (a letter to my mother)

Marielle (I rarely called you mum to your face),

I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye properly so I hope you’ll forgive me this very public letter. I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me since 1998. I met you and your husband first, one afternoon. I sat with my hands crossed on my lap, feet tucked underneath me, terrified. It was an interview of sorts. Dad (as I would come to refer to him) would tease me about that day for decades. It was decided I would become your lodger for a year. My first night, you invited me to join you for E’s birthday dinner. I had been unpacking quietly in my room, not quite able to believe I had finally left home. Little did I realise I had just found a home too.

You worked in the city at the time so I didn’t see much of you or Dad for the first year and mostly hung out with M. who was still finishing his degree and still living at home. R. was already at university so I hardly met him then. Dad had a stroke so you returned to the house but still agreed to let me stay with you for the second year of my degree. We got to know each other more and you quickly sensed how lost and unhappy I was. You started to make sure I ate properly and stepped in to support my desire to study industrial design in Montreal. Dad helped calm me down when my maths grades were bringing my average down and causing me anxiety. Eventually you both helped me move and find a place to stay in Montreal. You asked around and Micheline (who was a friend of a friend) said yes.

You sold the house up North and moved to the South Shore of Montreal. I continued to come and visit you and you continued to support me, sending me back to my flatshare with another collection of Tupperwares full of food. When it came to pursuing my Masters degree, I was accepted into an unaccredited degree and you and Dad agreed to co-sign a bank loan as I couldn’t get any government support.

I never returned to live in Québec but for the last 21 years, I have spoken to you almost every week, returning to stay in your home to spend winter or summer holidays. You and Dad came to visit me in Italy when I was a student and did a Grand Tour on your own which you loved. When he died, we started to travel together, visiting Prague, Karlovy Vary, Liverpool, Bristol, Hastings, Margate, Broadstairs, Amsterdam. We had plans to go to Spain later this year.

Thank you for making me a part of your family. I get to continue to build my relationship with M and R and their families now because of you and Dad. I became brave, kind and open because you showed me what that looked like through your actions. I built up the courage to pursue professional projects because I saw you continue to strive for better healthcare in Québec in various ways throughout your career. You taught me that there are many ways, many paths through life.

I will keep what you gave me alive and will miss you dearly.

Bonne nuit chère.