It’s just emotion (or how to have difficult conversations)

I studied design in the early 2000s, a time of brutal design feedback culture. These days, I have at least two to three conversations every week with designers who need some advice on how to share often negative feelings at work. Sometimes it’s because of a personality clash, other times it’s ‘constructive feedback’ based on someone’s performance. In any case, it’s a ‘difficult conversation’. Helping people have difficult conversations well feels like a recent feature of my work life as a people manager so I thought I’d share how I think about it. It’s work in progress so as always, I’d appreciate any thoughts in the comments.

1. Write down your thoughts first. 
   I find it useful to write things (feedback, emotions, etc.) down first to create a bit of emotional distance. Maybe it’s because I have kept a journal since I was a teenager but reading your feelings is different to just blurting them out. It’s also useful to identify where your emotions take over. We’re at work, so ideally, we have to manage the emotional content of any communication well, lest it becomes an HR issue. Another way of putting it is: if you feel comfortable reading out loud what you wrote, it’s probably well written feedback.
2. Little and often
   Adopting a ‘wait and see’ attitude to negative feelings is dangerous. I’ve had plenty of conversations where someone sat on their hands for months before raising an issue and by then, they were really upset. I think difficult conversations can be a question of practice. They’re difficult because we’re not used to them. Trust isn’t built in a vacuum and difficult conversations contribute actively to it. Just like in personal relationships, keeping things bottled up doesn’t help. But neither does nagging or bullying. So learning how and what to raise becomes an important curatorial exercise at work. I don’t have a hard and fast rule about that yet, but I don’t think we can build a solid foundation of trust and good work with others without starting slow with our feedback or difficult conversations. And over time, as we get more comfortable and it all gets easier and we can ask more of others.
3. We don’t work in a hospital
   The nice thing about modern design work is that it’s very rare that our difficult feedback will come in the context of life critical work. I have family members who work in the medical professions and their feedback culture is very different. Giving constructive feedback about a Figma design or research plan should feel like a low stakes conversation. Asking for a raise or talking about an instance of bullying should rightfully feel more urgent. Remembering the difference helps ‘hold things lightly‘ as my boss Ben says.
4. This too shall pass
   Every difficult conversation leads to a moment of discomfort. How long that moment lasts is critical. Life is too short to hold a grudge against someone who is trying to draw some boundaries more clearly, was disappointed by something we did or wants to get something done a little differently. So go for a pint with someone you’ve had a difficult conversation with quickly so you can both move on. And move on to the next thing that requires both your attention so you can make that great together.

Hope this helps.